Sunday, April 30, 2023

Naturally


Met up with D in between Eid visiting. "A smile is the best make up a lady could wear. Be confident in your own skin. You're naturally attractive like that!" Aww *melting*! And I should be gracious, "Thank you for the compliment, appreciate it". 

Grateful for the pointers on further studies and working abroad. It is always wonderful catching up with old friends. It seemed like ages since we last met up. How time flies! I'm glad to hear you are doing great in life. So happy for you! 

As for me, yup alone again, naturally. And we shall not even get started talking about 'standards' and how 'stubborn me' do not want to settle for anything less. It is just that now with the state of my fragile health (though it may not seem like it coz I look 'fine'), I am more cautious of entertaining any romantic advances out of consideration for the other party (I could not bear to break anyone's heart in the long run).

I hear you that it would be more fulfilling to take care of each other, come what may (suddenly the song, "Come what may" from Moulin Rouge started playing in my head, distracting me from the deep conversation we were having) - you only have one life so live it to the fullest and have a life story that both deserve (no regrets). Perhaps, like you said, "Only the brave would have the courage to take the plunge and have a go at it". I do not know what lies ahead but all I can say for now is, "We'll see how my life story will unfold". We will keep in touch, I promise! I shall end my post with the song, "Alone again, naturally" and an extract of its lyrics ❤

"It seems to me that there are more hearts broken in the world that can't be mended. Left unattended. What do we do? What do we do? Alone again, naturally."

Thursday, April 27, 2023

O Dubai

Today will be a short post. Now is not the right time to drop everything and fly to Dubai for work opportunity. I need to focus on getting my health back in order and my heart healed. What is meant to be yours will not escape you. When one door closes, another opens. Speaking of which, I need to complete the aptitude test sent by a prospective employer. Wish me luck! 

Chances Are


I was touched when H flew in from Brisbane, Australia and took the time in between her busy schedule to see me, thank you (your presence means so much to me despite us knowing each other just recently)! We shared stories about family members who lost the fight due to cancer. She was determined for me to fight it. Oh who could resist the offer/invite? Would love to settle down (“retire”, she says) in Australia like she did – just chill and heal (hehe that rhymes!) ❤

After H left, I was reminded of the characters of Ally McBeal and Larry Paul from Ally McBeal (Season 4-5), a legal comedy drama well written by David E. Kelly. Despite their imperfections and idiosyncrasies (behaviour or way of thought peculiar to an individual), they are genuinely perfect for each other (albeit their brief time together). I’ll end my post with this nice song and an extract of its lyrics.

"I remember clearly how you looked the night we met. I recall your laughter and your smile. I remember how you made me feel so at ease. I remember all your grace and your style. And now you're all I long to see. You've come to mean so much to me."

P.S.: Instinctively wondering how 'Iron Man' is doing…

Monday, April 24, 2023

Respite


The CT scan results showed that whatever I have been doing worked (alhamdulilLah)! I am still in awe at how doors were opened and the love and support I received from those close to me, and even from those I barely knew (who were divinely present as I was finding my way towards healing naturally). I could not thank God enough for His miracles and permitting me to live yet another day (every day is a blessing!).

I felt relieved but also cognizant that the fight is not over yet (I am not out of the woods yet!) – I must continue to keep at the program I’ve been prescribed to truly heal 100%. Thank you, best friend, for your words of encouragement. It came at a time when I needed the one person who knew me so well to tell me that I can do this. I’ll end my post with a profound poem – One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII by Pablo Neruda (about love that is strong despite the loss) and an extract of it from the movie, Patch Adams ❤.

"I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, or arrow of carnations that propagate fire; I love you as one loves certain obscure things, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself, and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose from the earth lives dimly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexity or pride; I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love than this, where 'I' does not exist nor 'you', so close that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep (we are one)."

Thursday, April 20, 2023

Remember Me


As I was spring cleaning, I looked through old cards, letters and keepsakes from those whom I care deeply for. It made me wonder how they are doing today. In spite of it all, I feel the love for me still (it took courage for them to bare their soul to me in writing, which I could read and re-read time and again as I reminisced what we had and learnt for the better). Thank you - you have left an indelible footprint in my heart, enriching every chapter of my meaningful life with your presence. All I could ask of you is to not forget me. Remember the good times we shared. I'll end my post with a meaningful song from the late Kenny Rogers ❤.

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

1998


Was movie bingeing (unwinding after I was done with spring-cleaning my home, in preparation for Eid celebration). "Meet Joe Black" is from 1998. I love their banter and chemistry - how cute are these two! It was epic, so much so that it has even been psychoanalyzed (one's body language and verbal dynamics)!

Interestingly, I learnt about (1) the importance to express how you feel the moment you feel it (hmm!), (2) mirroring comes naturally in terms of actions or words and the willingness to be honest, self-deprecating and vulnerable (it is a sign of compatibility to look out for), and (3) validating the feeling as a form of affirmation (lay it on the table, "oh boy, okay!").

I'd love to engage someone like Joe - have a genuine and authentic conversation going. Nothing beats being able to have an instant connection with someone, not just at the physical attraction level (love his smile, the twinkle in his eyes, and the reassuring, soothing tone of his voice!), but also attraction at the intellectual, emotional, and values level - that would be a complete package - having someone to take good care of you. "Stay open, who knows lightning could strike" heh! I'll end my post with this hopeful song by Michael Bublé ❤.

Saturday, April 15, 2023

Borrowed Time

Be grateful for every second you get and treasure each day you've been blessed with. Because you never know how many you would be given. For days are such that once passed, you can never get them back. So do not let precious moments pass you by. Make it count coz you are living on borrowed time. I end this post with this nice reminder of a song.

Thursday, April 13, 2023

Bluemoon

I was touched that J flew in at short notice when I informed her of my diagnosis. I cherished whatever lil precious time we had to fill each other in on happenings in our lives, reflecting on lessons learnt that made us who we are today. I am proud of who she has become - still the same (in essence), albeit better. We promised to meet again in the near future. She reassured me that I would fight this cancer. I am just grateful to God if I could get through each day in a healthy state in servitude to Him.

Acquaintances come and go but a true friend stays, for better or worse. One who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. Thank you, J. I value your friendship and presence. I end my post with a beautiful quote: True friends are never apart - maybe in distance but never in heart ❤.

Friday, April 07, 2023

Companionship

The girls came visiting, to check up on me, see how I was doing (thank you for the care and concern!). Shared details of the alternative treatment I am on. My advice is to not see cancer as a death sentence. Read up and understand its true nature in order to get the right treatment that will do justice to your body that is on loan to you on this earth by God. Truly enjoyed their company - had a great time catching up on each other's lives and the much needed laughter and hugs! ❤

Wednesday, April 05, 2023

040423

Since August, you have been a constant in my mind and I pray that life treats you kind. When I saw your text message, I was quietly relieved. Thank you for conveying the message and your kind words of encouragement. I understand you need time to heal. And the first step to healing is 'opening the door' (let's talk it out when you are ready). My last wish of you is to not dwell on past hurt or disappointment that will fester and hold you hostage - let it go. You owe it, not to me, but to yourself. You deserve a better life.

Monday, March 13, 2023

Heal

This will be a long post, but worth the read if you are considering cancer treatment naturally.

Our body is created intelligent – it can heal itself! Given the right nutrients, it can function optimally naturally. We need to preserve it from neglect and abuse. We owe it to ourselves because we only have one chance at a quality life so take the responsibility to make it count!

After a near-death experience while overseas last December (I was breathless despite no history of asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia, tuberculosis and was wheel-chaired to the hospital to get nebulized; a chest x-ray was done; I was diagnosed with having acute bronchitis and prescribed a cough mixture, antibiotics, and nebulizer).

Flew back and was hospitalized in January (a first for me!) because I developed high fever (natural reflex of the body when it is healing itself), had jaundice (symptoms of impending organ failure) and oedema (swelling of the feet, symptoms of toxin build-up). Doctors ran tests after tests (as tests for Covid and Mers came back negative) as they could not pin-point what was wrong with me (it was a traumatic experience as they treated me like a ‘lab rat’!).

I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February based on results from the CT scan, MRI, and biopsy (histology test). I requested for time to read up (process the information) and seek second opinion before making an informed decision in March on the required follow-up treatment scheduled from April onwards.

Due to anaemia, I declined chemotherapy and radioactive therapy, the default first-line treatment protocol (standard of care). Why? Scientific studies (it was simple logic, if you ask me) have shown that injecting the body with toxins would harm and kill the good/healthy cells needed for the self-healing process. Hence, I did not want to introduce so much stress to my already 'battered body' and be a burden to my caregivers, which could lead to psychological issues in the long run.

Instead, I resolved to understand and rectify it. Clinical data showed that starving the cancer cells of sugar and glutamine will prevent them from growing, surviving, multiplying, and spreading. This metabolic therapy is non-toxic, related to naturopathy, a holistic approach to wellness.

To prepare the body, I did detoxification as prescribed by my hijama therapist to remove toxin build up (due to past ‘abuse’ – my immunity took a beating firstly due to the lack of quality sleep and irregular meals as I was heading towards burnout from work in the past year and the recent radiation from the CT scan, MRIs, Ultrasound, and X-rays done intensively back-to-back from December to January) so my body could heal and progressively function optimally again. This is an essential step (not to be skipped) so that whatever nutrition I take, in the process or thereafter, could be effectively absorbed at the cellular level and help in the healing process.

To aid the process, I did a few sessions of craniosacral therapy (enabling the cerebrospinal fluid in the Central Nervous System to assist in the removal of any hindrance), lymphatic drainage therapy (enabling the lymphatic fluid to flow out of the congested zones), and osteopathy (improving the musculoskeletal functions, neuromuscular and biomechanical balance) by the good people (therapists) at Integrated Body Therapy.

Concurrently, I fasted consistently over a period of time, sticking to a healthy diet (eating anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer food recommended by medical experts and friends who were cancer survivors or had a family member who survived it), taking supplements (mixture oil of black seed oil, carvacrol oil, early harvest extra virgin olive oil, milk thistle provided by Sade Trading; EBC-46 Aus+ Blushwood Berry Tincture, Curcumin/Tumeric root extract, and Turkish Tail Mushroom), and drinking Butterfly tea, Green tea, Hibiscus flower tea (for my anemia), MCT Wellness, and Soursop leave tea bought online or provided generously by dear friends (thank you for your support and love!).

The holistic healing also included being cognizant (recognizing and acknowledging) that past trauma could contribute to cell mutation and thereafter becoming cancerous. The immune system and the nervous system work closely to keep the body safe (they have the natural defense mechanism).

Suppressed or unresolved emotions or resentment, left to fester, could lead to emotional stagnation and affect you emotionally, psychologically and ultimately metaphysically (physiologically). That means the nervous system does not feel ‘safe enough’ or ‘feels unsafe’ to function optimally – it breaks down or shuts down, and could not be the default defense mechanism for the body. This directly impacts the immune system, making the body susceptible to attacks and subsequently cell mutation because the body is in an ‘ailing' state.

I needed to address the safety that was lost, resolve my emotional state from past traumas (and I have a handful!). Emotion and trauma healing therapy would be needed so that the body could feel ‘safe’ again to function normally at its optimum. I spoke to SJ, a Transformation coach, from Furaha Mastery (initially to understand the immunotherapy antibody, Keytruda, because as a Bio-Chemist by profession, he did his Master thesis about it, but subsequently he shared the need for emotional healing as well). As a result, I took the first step to retrace and recognize past traumas and ‘let them go’.

The more I read about cancer and ‘could connect the dots’, the more I understood that it is not a ‘death sentence’ as many claim it to be. I firmly believe in the Prophetic saying that, “Every disease has its cure, except death”. So, do not give up trying to heal. You (and your body) deserve the best treatment, naturally. I leave you with reliable sources of reference that I found useful as I work towards healing myself. Wish me luck! ❤

Dr Eric Berg – A chiropractor who specializes in Healthy Ketosis and Intermittent Fasting (drberg.com).

Dr Janine Bowring – Naturopathic doctor (vitatree.com).

Dr Josh Axe – Doctor of natural medicine, chiropractic physician and clinical nutritionist (DrAxe.com).

Dr Steven Gundry – Renowned cardiologist, surgeon, medical device inventor and author (drgundry.com and gundrymd.com).

Dr Thomas N. Seyfried – An American professor of Biology, Genetics, and Biochemistry at Boston College who spoke about the metabolic cancer therapy (tomseyfried.com, bc.edu/bc-web/schools/mcas/departments/biology/people/faculty-directory/Thomas-seyfried.html)

Forest Superfoods: forestsuperfoods.com.au

Furaha Mastery: furahamastery.com

Integrated Body Therapy: www.ibtherapy.sg 

Sade Trading: sadetrading.store/m/

Friday, March 03, 2023

Catching Up

The dear lil sister I never had (love you to bits!) came to visit me today. Over a simple meal, she shared the progress of her thesis (so proud of you!) and the good news of an impending engagement (I pray that I get the chance to witness it when the time comes!) upon her return from Umrah (mini pilgrimage) - I am so happy for you! At last, you found the one you can call your own ❤

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

Boy

A girlfriend complimented "cute cat!" (referring to the cat photo I used for my WhatsApp profile picture), It is a photo of Boy I took before he departed this world on 18 Jamadil Akhir 1442H).

When asked if I would get a 'replacement', I told her not for now (still after 2 years, I could not bring myself to even think about it as Boy is irreplaceable); my heart could not bear the excruciating pain if another dies on me!

Today is 18 Jamadil Akhir 1444H. It has been 2 years since your demise. You are a constant in my thoughts and I miss you loads, Boy ❤.

I end this post with this Arabic saying: ليس الحب أن نبقى دائما بجانب من نحب ولكن الحب أن نبقى في قلب من نحب

"Love does not mean being physically present beside the one you love, rather love is when you are present in the heart (and mind) of the beloved."

"Cinta bukan berarti kita selalu berada di sisi yang kita cintai, tetapi cinta itu adalah tatkala kita berada  dałam hati yang dicintai."

Saturday, December 31, 2022

2022

Today will be a short post. Reflecting on the year that has just passed and all that I had experienced, all I can say is aptly captured in QS Ghafir 40:44 (indeed, Allah is the Best of planners walhamdulilLah!): 

وَأُفَوِّضُ أَمْرِي إِلَى اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَصِيرٌ بِالْعِبَادِ

"I entrust my affairs to Allah. Surely Allah is watchful over His servants."

"Aku serahkan (dengan sepenuhnya) segala urusanku kepada Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Melihat para hambaNya."

Saturday, December 17, 2022

4 Rules

This book mentions that satisfying close relationships require, from both parties, the ability to establish and sustain intimacy, empathy, openness, and mutual as well as responsive communication. A narcissist simply cannot provide these relationship essentials (a relationship with a narcissistic is, in essence, being a relationship with someone who will never listen to you or hear you).

Based on the real terrain of pathological narcissism, the book provides a realistic roadmap of how to navigate this landscape and reclaim your true self, find healing and live an authentic and empowered life, whether you stay or go. It provides you the tools (what to watch for) and guidance on managing difficult situations.

Intrigued, I also saw her 4 "DEEP" Rules to protect the self from toxic behaviour - very empowering: 

(1) Don't Defend (when somebody is saying something you do not do, do not defend it; there is no point because if you do, you start "going down the rabbit's hole", throwing yourself into a bizarre or surreal troubling state)

(2) Don't Engage (pull back and recognize that you will be "walking on egg shells" or be in a precarious situation, extremely cautious with your words or actions and no matter how you say it, you get it wrong), 

(3) Don't Explain (self-explanatory when you consider the above 2 points), and 

(4) Don't Personalize (it is not you but the other party, so stop saying, "It has got to be me" when it is really not; if anything, you are so emphatic, that you are easy to be taken advantage of because the other party knows you are going to keep coming back to them).

The author, Dr Ramani Durvasula, is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, California. She is also a professor of psychology at California State University in Los Angeles. 

What I took away from these, in essence, is to have the courage to walk away from those who continue to hurt you and walk alone until you find the ones who deserve you (if you are brave enough to say "goodbye", life with reward you with a new "hello"). I'll end my post with a wonderful melody by the late George Michael.

Thursday, November 17, 2022

Let Go

This is another hit song from Sarah. It is about someone realizing his/her mistakes. While no specifics mentioned (for obvious reasons because songs are meant to universally be relatable to all circumstances), she spoke about recognizing the mistakes, empowering the self to admit them, recognizing what was lost (as a consequence), and not letting people bring you down any further by continually reinforcing what you have done wrong (that you have learnt from life lessons).

You can only move forward upon admission; otherwise you are stuck because you did not own the mistake (error of judgment) and provide closure for it. And not to be too caught up with how the other party respond (or the lack of it!). In essence, it is taking care of yourself (self love) before others. You need that to remain sane and not be held hostage by others that could result in resentment! Let go when it is time to (after all efforts were lost on deaf ears). I'll end my post with extracts of the song's lyrics.

"Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire. Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal. It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear."

Monday, October 17, 2022

Stay


I admire songwriters who could write beautiful songs, taking inspiration from their life experiences. It must have been cathartic, to get it out of their system. This was one of the two songs Sarah wrote after separating from her husband of 11 years. The other song was "U Want Me 2". I'll end my post with snippets of the lyrics of "Don't give up on us".

"Can't you see me standing here? Alive and well with all the hope. We can't go on, living on a cloud; we'll never find our way home. Oh, let me reach you, oh my love. Come on let me in."

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Don't You?


Sarah wrote this track, "about that really uncertain, confusing place at the end of a relationship where there was no communication or closure, everything was still up in the air and there was a lot of anger or sadness with questions needing answer to, "How do we move forward with dignity and grace?" I'll end my post with snippets from the song's lyrics.
"I hope there's forgiveness in the distance between us. Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be? So tell me, how do you feel - it's so confusing. If you let it all go, it'll fall apart. Do you want me to stay and say "I still want you"? You want me too, don't you?"

Thursday, August 11, 2022

At Odds

Life is not devoid of misunderstandings. The mark of true friendship or companionship is not letting go of each other when it gets tough; rather being committed to stick around through the good and bad. Talk and clarify things because both value the true worth of each other.

A single moment of misunderstanding, left unmanaged, will make us forget (in a split second) the countless meaningful years spent together. And I thought you knew me better than that? Regardless, when things are at odds, be still my heart, be steeled...

Monday, September 07, 2020

Hikmah

Like the shared meal of arancini, cioppino, pesto pasta, and gelato, we shared our woes. Yes, sometimes we (insan) need a listening ear or just an opportunity to hear different perspectives and help us make important decisions in our lives. At the back of my mind, of course the best is to follow the prophetic way of munajat - turning to Allah swt in the middle of the night to share our woes and seek His guidance and help. More importantly, accept and be pleased (redha) with the knowledge that ultimately Allah's swt is the best of planners and there is much wisdom (hikmah) in why the story unfolds the way it did. Am instinctively reminded of QS al-Bayyinah 98:8 and shall end this short post with it ❤

رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنهُم وَرَضوا عَنهُ ۚ ذٰلِكَ لِمَن خَشِيَ رَبَّهُ 

"Allah is pleased with them, and they are pleased with Him. That is for those who fear their Lord."